(New Order - Run)
Cute dogsledding dogs!
Part Deux!
The company's biggest ASS-et.
Swimming pool.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Shampoo Planet
(The Smiths - Girlfriend in a Coma)
(The Smiths - Girlfriend in a Coma)
"How about this: pretend Mr. Pumpkin there is the one person in the world who frightens you the most, who wants to destroy you, okay? Eat you up." I could just kick myself as I say this, but I'm too late. Jasmine's strong features buckle with fright and my fingers pushes the shutter button and a portrait of Jasmine is created: a portrait that will be seen by her grandchildren and the one that they will remember her by -- a portrait of Jasmine, facing the world as she does at this point in her life, utterfly frightened by a monster entirely of her own carving.
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Rants and raves without all that PLUR.
(Michael Buble - Home)
Let’s discuss the word bottomless. “Bottomless”, most often used to describe pits, the Abyss and Asian women and their posterior endowment. It is also used to describe free refills at restaurants. I walk into McDonald’s and I get free refills. I go to the Outback Steakhouse and they tell me my ice tea is bottomless. At work, I have bottomless coffees. I eat out at a fancy restaurant and every bloody ice tea costs me $2.
Someone explain to me how a restaurant that’s charging me for dinner, 3 times what a regular restaurant charges me, can’t afford to give me free refills. They must think that since I’m already paying $100 for my meal that I probably wouldn’t notice $2 for an ice tea. They fail to realize that I’m a thirsty sonuva bitch when I eat. They also fail to realize that when I’m pissed off, my toilet bowl aim is a little less than perfect.
(Michael Buble - Home)
Let’s discuss the word bottomless. “Bottomless”, most often used to describe pits, the Abyss and Asian women and their posterior endowment. It is also used to describe free refills at restaurants. I walk into McDonald’s and I get free refills. I go to the Outback Steakhouse and they tell me my ice tea is bottomless. At work, I have bottomless coffees. I eat out at a fancy restaurant and every bloody ice tea costs me $2.
Someone explain to me how a restaurant that’s charging me for dinner, 3 times what a regular restaurant charges me, can’t afford to give me free refills. They must think that since I’m already paying $100 for my meal that I probably wouldn’t notice $2 for an ice tea. They fail to realize that I’m a thirsty sonuva bitch when I eat. They also fail to realize that when I’m pissed off, my toilet bowl aim is a little less than perfect.
Monday, January 24, 2005
The Proof is in the Pudding
(New Order - Love Less)
Sex Map Shows Chain of Almost 300 High School Lovers
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The first "map" of teen sexual behavior gives new meaning to the old warning that you don't just have sex with a person, but with everyone that person ever had sex with, researchers said on Monday.
They found a chain of 288 one-to-one sexual relationships at a high school in the U.S. Midwest, meaning the teenager at the end of the chain may have had direct sexual contact with only one person, but indirect contact with 286 others.
...
Finally, proof that I did indeed sleep with that many girls in high school and yes I am very studly.
(New Order - Love Less)
Sex Map Shows Chain of Almost 300 High School Lovers
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The first "map" of teen sexual behavior gives new meaning to the old warning that you don't just have sex with a person, but with everyone that person ever had sex with, researchers said on Monday.
They found a chain of 288 one-to-one sexual relationships at a high school in the U.S. Midwest, meaning the teenager at the end of the chain may have had direct sexual contact with only one person, but indirect contact with 286 others.
...
Finally, proof that I did indeed sleep with that many girls in high school and yes I am very studly.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Deerhurst Debauchery
(Alanis Morissette - Ironic)
So I spent last weekend up north at a resort called Deerhurst. They have a nice golf course, indoor tennis, dogsledding, skiing/snowboarding, snowmobiling and even ice fishing. I spent most of the day playing squash, table tennis and tennis. I can’t believe how out of shape I am, I was sore for 3 days straight after this event. Anyhow, I was up at the resort for a company sales meeting and it was a blast. I’ve never seen so many of my coworkers tanked.
You know you and your coworkers are having a good time when...
I had to share my hotel room with one of my managers. It’s always a little awkward sharing a room or a bed with someone else. You always run the risk of sharing with a snorer, a teeth-grinder or worse – a sleep-farter. I’ll have to admit that I’m a snorer and I have been known to keep people up with my snoring but I’m not a sleep-farter.
I told my manager about my snoring beforehand so he could bring earplugs if he needed.
Thankfully my manager isn’t a sleep-farter or else Monday morning would have been awkward in the office after I told everyone about his nasty habit. Here’s a tip, if you’re ever sharing a bed with a sleep-farter – don’t sleep with the covers over your head.
(Alanis Morissette - Ironic)
So I spent last weekend up north at a resort called Deerhurst. They have a nice golf course, indoor tennis, dogsledding, skiing/snowboarding, snowmobiling and even ice fishing. I spent most of the day playing squash, table tennis and tennis. I can’t believe how out of shape I am, I was sore for 3 days straight after this event. Anyhow, I was up at the resort for a company sales meeting and it was a blast. I’ve never seen so many of my coworkers tanked.
You know you and your coworkers are having a good time when...
1)You, your coworkers and your managers are trying to plan out how to mount a fake giant grizzly bear and come damn close to doing it if it weren’t for the hotel managers stopping you.
2)Your usually conservative coworkers have their ties wrapped around their heads, their shirts untucked and doing the YMCA.
3)One of your regional directors changes out of his suit into a retro 70’s outfit that's tripping everyone out.
4)You get nominated for an award and before they announce the winner, you’re already thinking of ways to thank your parents, your agent, the people who voted for you and of course the lord and saviour Jesus Christ -- even though your parents weren’t there, you don’t have an agent and you’re a rabid Atheist.
5)After they close the bar, everyone heads to the manager’s after party where they order a $1200 mini-bar that’s expensed on the company.
6)You have 250 incriminating digital pictures to prove it. (I’ll try and post some of these pictures in the next few days.)
I had to share my hotel room with one of my managers. It’s always a little awkward sharing a room or a bed with someone else. You always run the risk of sharing with a snorer, a teeth-grinder or worse – a sleep-farter. I’ll have to admit that I’m a snorer and I have been known to keep people up with my snoring but I’m not a sleep-farter.
I told my manager about my snoring beforehand so he could bring earplugs if he needed.
Thankfully my manager isn’t a sleep-farter or else Monday morning would have been awkward in the office after I told everyone about his nasty habit. Here’s a tip, if you’re ever sharing a bed with a sleep-farter – don’t sleep with the covers over your head.
Friday, January 14, 2005
You're totally tearing that shit up!...ok, not really.
(Usher - My Boo)
So I’m here in the office with my earphones on and listening to “My Boo” by Usher and I want to get up and dance but my cubicle is surrounded by 5 other cubicles and my earphones aren’t long enough.
What’s that saying? Dance like no one’s watching? Whenever I do that I expect that no one will laugh but that rarely happens. So I always dance like a shy little school boy with James Brown trapped inside my body. Less people laugh when I do this but James Brown is laughing his ass off somewhere up in heaven. He’s dead isn’t he?
...
My sister recently graduated from teachers college in Australia and has come back to Canada to find a job. While she awaits the new teaching year she’s applying for part-time work. I put in a word with my HR department to have her work here whenever we look to hire a temp receptionist. She thinks that I’m being a good big brother and helping her out when really all I’m doing is finding a way for me to boss her around without her bitching about it to my mom.
...
15 more minutes til the start of my weekend…have a good weekend everyone!
(Usher - My Boo)
So I’m here in the office with my earphones on and listening to “My Boo” by Usher and I want to get up and dance but my cubicle is surrounded by 5 other cubicles and my earphones aren’t long enough.
What’s that saying? Dance like no one’s watching? Whenever I do that I expect that no one will laugh but that rarely happens. So I always dance like a shy little school boy with James Brown trapped inside my body. Less people laugh when I do this but James Brown is laughing his ass off somewhere up in heaven. He’s dead isn’t he?
...
My sister recently graduated from teachers college in Australia and has come back to Canada to find a job. While she awaits the new teaching year she’s applying for part-time work. I put in a word with my HR department to have her work here whenever we look to hire a temp receptionist. She thinks that I’m being a good big brother and helping her out when really all I’m doing is finding a way for me to boss her around without her bitching about it to my mom.
...
15 more minutes til the start of my weekend…have a good weekend everyone!
Thursday, January 13, 2005
The Symphony In a Nutshell
(Wolfie Mozart - Some Symphony in G Minor)
So the orchestra is composed of different groups of people with different instruments. The first group has small guitars that they hold to their neck and play with this stick that they swing back and forth. The 2nd group has medium size guitars that are stood up and played with a stick swung back and forth. The 3rd group has giant guitars that look like they were on steroids. They are stood up and played with sticks as well. The 4th group is a mixed group of different types of horns, flutes and whistles. Then there’s the special guy at the front who has this weird instrument that looks like a small pointy stick that he waves around. I kept trying to listen for that instrument but it blended in with the rest of the orchestra so well I couldn’t hear it. I knew it had to be making a sound though because the harder the guy swung the stick the louder the music got and the quicker he swung it, the faster the music got.
As the music started everyone got really quiet and it seemed as though you couldn’t make any noises or else you’d disturb the musicians. All I could think of was, “Please don’t sneeze or cough!” I managed to not cough or sneeze through the first symphony but was poked in the ribs when I started snoring. Honestly, I was just breathing loudly. After the first symphony there was great applause and the man with the small stick left the stage and then came back onto the stage because the applause hadn’t stopped yet. I think he felt a little embarrassed that he left before the applause ended.
In the 2nd part of the show, they had this fat lady come out onto the stage. They said something about her being on the Sopranos but I didn’t recognize her. As the music started up this time she started singing at the top of her lungs in this foreign language. I think it sounded a little like Yiddish but I could be wrong. The lady had this lovely outfit with this giant red scarf. It looked like a Christmas present bow and she was a big fat present. As she sang the rest of the orchestra played their instruments with enthusiasm that I could only describe as unbridled. As the song came to an end, the crowd once again applauded and the singer and the guy waving the stick bowed. They then left the stage, only to return again because we weren’t done applauding. By this point I thought it was a little rude. You’d think that at least the guy with the stick would know better.
Then there was a little intermission for everyone. I think the musicians were a little parched and needed a drink. All the highbrow people left the auditorium to mingle. Sonia and I stayed in our seats and mingled amongst ourselves.
The 3rd part of the show started up and they rolled out the grand piano. The piano was quite lovely and I’d imagine I could play a regal Mary Had a Little Lamb if I had it at my disposal. This lady then sat down at the piano and once again the fat lady with the big red scarf/bow came out to sing. All the little and big guitars started up and then the Soprano lady started singing. Every so often they’d stop and the lady on the piano started playing. She was very good. Actually she was excellent. I think her and Elton John would make a cute couple if Elton didn’t like boys. After this performance there was plenty of applause and bowing and people leaving the stage and coming back on the stage. I do want to point out however, that most of the applause was for the solo pianist. I felt sort of bad for the rest of the orchestra because they seemed to be left out. If I was in their shoes I’d definitely have pianist envy.
The final part of the show was much more of the same as the 3rd part with the pianist, the Soprano lady and the background orchestra. Now from what I gather, most of the music was composed by Mozart. In between the music, the stick man would stop waving and pointing his stick and talk about the history behind the music. One of the symphonies they played was composed by Wolfgang at the age of 17. Inconceivable I tell you. When I was 17, I was worried about what to wear to school and whether or not I had enough money for lunch. Had I known about Wolfgang at that time I might have changed my priorities a little. This is probably why babies that listen to Mozart grow up more focused. The guy is quite inspiring.
They finally wrapped up the show and everyone headed to the parking lot. While walking to the parking lot I couldn’t stop humming some of the music. I think that’s how you know you enjoyed the show. I definitely enjoyed it more than I thought I would and would highly recommend to anyone who hasn’t gone before. Outside of the obvious infusion of a little culture, you really learn to appreciate the extraordinary work of the composers and the musicians!
(Wolfie Mozart - Some Symphony in G Minor)
So the orchestra is composed of different groups of people with different instruments. The first group has small guitars that they hold to their neck and play with this stick that they swing back and forth. The 2nd group has medium size guitars that are stood up and played with a stick swung back and forth. The 3rd group has giant guitars that look like they were on steroids. They are stood up and played with sticks as well. The 4th group is a mixed group of different types of horns, flutes and whistles. Then there’s the special guy at the front who has this weird instrument that looks like a small pointy stick that he waves around. I kept trying to listen for that instrument but it blended in with the rest of the orchestra so well I couldn’t hear it. I knew it had to be making a sound though because the harder the guy swung the stick the louder the music got and the quicker he swung it, the faster the music got.
As the music started everyone got really quiet and it seemed as though you couldn’t make any noises or else you’d disturb the musicians. All I could think of was, “Please don’t sneeze or cough!” I managed to not cough or sneeze through the first symphony but was poked in the ribs when I started snoring. Honestly, I was just breathing loudly. After the first symphony there was great applause and the man with the small stick left the stage and then came back onto the stage because the applause hadn’t stopped yet. I think he felt a little embarrassed that he left before the applause ended.
In the 2nd part of the show, they had this fat lady come out onto the stage. They said something about her being on the Sopranos but I didn’t recognize her. As the music started up this time she started singing at the top of her lungs in this foreign language. I think it sounded a little like Yiddish but I could be wrong. The lady had this lovely outfit with this giant red scarf. It looked like a Christmas present bow and she was a big fat present. As she sang the rest of the orchestra played their instruments with enthusiasm that I could only describe as unbridled. As the song came to an end, the crowd once again applauded and the singer and the guy waving the stick bowed. They then left the stage, only to return again because we weren’t done applauding. By this point I thought it was a little rude. You’d think that at least the guy with the stick would know better.
Then there was a little intermission for everyone. I think the musicians were a little parched and needed a drink. All the highbrow people left the auditorium to mingle. Sonia and I stayed in our seats and mingled amongst ourselves.
The 3rd part of the show started up and they rolled out the grand piano. The piano was quite lovely and I’d imagine I could play a regal Mary Had a Little Lamb if I had it at my disposal. This lady then sat down at the piano and once again the fat lady with the big red scarf/bow came out to sing. All the little and big guitars started up and then the Soprano lady started singing. Every so often they’d stop and the lady on the piano started playing. She was very good. Actually she was excellent. I think her and Elton John would make a cute couple if Elton didn’t like boys. After this performance there was plenty of applause and bowing and people leaving the stage and coming back on the stage. I do want to point out however, that most of the applause was for the solo pianist. I felt sort of bad for the rest of the orchestra because they seemed to be left out. If I was in their shoes I’d definitely have pianist envy.
The final part of the show was much more of the same as the 3rd part with the pianist, the Soprano lady and the background orchestra. Now from what I gather, most of the music was composed by Mozart. In between the music, the stick man would stop waving and pointing his stick and talk about the history behind the music. One of the symphonies they played was composed by Wolfgang at the age of 17. Inconceivable I tell you. When I was 17, I was worried about what to wear to school and whether or not I had enough money for lunch. Had I known about Wolfgang at that time I might have changed my priorities a little. This is probably why babies that listen to Mozart grow up more focused. The guy is quite inspiring.
They finally wrapped up the show and everyone headed to the parking lot. While walking to the parking lot I couldn’t stop humming some of the music. I think that’s how you know you enjoyed the show. I definitely enjoyed it more than I thought I would and would highly recommend to anyone who hasn’t gone before. Outside of the obvious infusion of a little culture, you really learn to appreciate the extraordinary work of the composers and the musicians!
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
I Heart Shannyn Sossamon
(Maxi Priest - Wild World)
My room is finally cleaned. I’ve been cleaning it for the past 2 weeks. I’ve vacuumed, dusted and re-organized everything. It’s funny the things you find when you clean up.
So far I’ve found…
One boxing glove
An autographed Shannyn Sossamon picture (it was made out to “Joanne”)
One large toenail clipping
One pickled baby snake in a bottle (to cure impotency)
...
Muffin has been taking liberties lately with his freedom so I’ve had to put him down…in the basement that is. His bed and pen are in my basement. Since my sister came back from Australia I’ve been letting him roam the house during the day by himself since there’s always someone looking after him. The other day I found him sleeping on the living room coffee table. I kicked him off and went upstairs to my room. When I came back down he was on the table again. I picked him up and carried him downstairs and he growled at me.
What do you do with a cheeky little dog?
...
Tonight I’m headed to the Toronto Symphony with Sonia. Anyone ever been to one of these things? Can I sneak in my own drinks and snacks? I was thinking about bringing some popcorn, chips and gatorade.
...
I have a giant pommelo on my desk right now. I can’t wait to eat it.
(Maxi Priest - Wild World)
My room is finally cleaned. I’ve been cleaning it for the past 2 weeks. I’ve vacuumed, dusted and re-organized everything. It’s funny the things you find when you clean up.
So far I’ve found…
One boxing glove
An autographed Shannyn Sossamon picture (it was made out to “Joanne”)
One large toenail clipping
One pickled baby snake in a bottle (to cure impotency)
...
Muffin has been taking liberties lately with his freedom so I’ve had to put him down…in the basement that is. His bed and pen are in my basement. Since my sister came back from Australia I’ve been letting him roam the house during the day by himself since there’s always someone looking after him. The other day I found him sleeping on the living room coffee table. I kicked him off and went upstairs to my room. When I came back down he was on the table again. I picked him up and carried him downstairs and he growled at me.
What do you do with a cheeky little dog?
...
Tonight I’m headed to the Toronto Symphony with Sonia. Anyone ever been to one of these things? Can I sneak in my own drinks and snacks? I was thinking about bringing some popcorn, chips and gatorade.
...
I have a giant pommelo on my desk right now. I can’t wait to eat it.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Vaughn You Bitch
(U2 - With or Without You)
Now I'm not a fan of Alias nor do I watch it regularly. In fact I think I've seen 2 episodes to date. However, tonight being the 1st episode of the new season and with Jennifer Garner's Elecktra movie coming out soon, I just have to rehash a great speech made by Sydney (Jennifer Garner's character) in one of the two episodes I watched.
Now the synopsis is this -- Sydney has been missing for quite some time and they finally find her but in the time that she went missing, Vaughn her love, moved on and married another woman. Who subsequently turned out to be some psycho double agent bitch, but that's another story altogether.
So cue the speech...
Vaughn: I came by to see how you were.
Sydney: Are you kidding me!?
Vaughn: No, I...just wanted to make sure that you...
Sydney: You didn't come here to see how I am...you came here to see how you are, because you know in your heart what you did...you want to make sure you're okay.
Vaughn: I buried you. (pause) Consider that for what that's...
Sydney (cutting him off): Don't use rational thought as a defense with me, not after all you and I have seen. Vaughn, you and I live and breathe madness every day on the job...there is no...rational thought! I can't even pretend to have a conversation about anything else with you. What it comes down to is faith!
What I was hoping you would say is, "Sydney I gave up; I gave up on us. I lost faith." But what you came here for...was closure...and there is not a chance you are getting that from me!
I'm not gonna say I understand...I'm not gonna sympathize with you and tell you how hard it must be for you... But.. You wanna know how I am!? I am horrible! Vaughn, I am ripped apart! (strained whisper) And not because I lost you... but because...if it had been me... (tears cloud Sydney's eyes) I would have waited...
I would have found the truth...I wouldn't have given up on you!
And now I realize... what an absolute waste that would have been!
(Cut to Vaughn's reaction. He looks wounded by her last remark. Cut back to Sydney as she turns to go, trying to reign in her emotions, refusing to cry in front of him. Cut back to Vaughn as she leaves. An empty sadness fills his eyes as he looks down, as if remembering, brow furrowed, his lips a thin line.)
You hear that bitch?...she would've waited for you!!!...she wouldn't have given up on you!!!...and it would have been a waste of time!!!...how do you like them apples!!!
Ok...I'm getting a little riled up and emotional now. I need to take a few deep breaths and collect myself.
(U2 - With or Without You)
Now I'm not a fan of Alias nor do I watch it regularly. In fact I think I've seen 2 episodes to date. However, tonight being the 1st episode of the new season and with Jennifer Garner's Elecktra movie coming out soon, I just have to rehash a great speech made by Sydney (Jennifer Garner's character) in one of the two episodes I watched.
Now the synopsis is this -- Sydney has been missing for quite some time and they finally find her but in the time that she went missing, Vaughn her love, moved on and married another woman. Who subsequently turned out to be some psycho double agent bitch, but that's another story altogether.
So cue the speech...
Vaughn: I came by to see how you were.
Sydney: Are you kidding me!?
Vaughn: No, I...just wanted to make sure that you...
Sydney: You didn't come here to see how I am...you came here to see how you are, because you know in your heart what you did...you want to make sure you're okay.
Vaughn: I buried you. (pause) Consider that for what that's...
Sydney (cutting him off): Don't use rational thought as a defense with me, not after all you and I have seen. Vaughn, you and I live and breathe madness every day on the job...there is no...rational thought! I can't even pretend to have a conversation about anything else with you. What it comes down to is faith!
What I was hoping you would say is, "Sydney I gave up; I gave up on us. I lost faith." But what you came here for...was closure...and there is not a chance you are getting that from me!
I'm not gonna say I understand...I'm not gonna sympathize with you and tell you how hard it must be for you... But.. You wanna know how I am!? I am horrible! Vaughn, I am ripped apart! (strained whisper) And not because I lost you... but because...if it had been me... (tears cloud Sydney's eyes) I would have waited...
I would have found the truth...I wouldn't have given up on you!
And now I realize... what an absolute waste that would have been!
(Cut to Vaughn's reaction. He looks wounded by her last remark. Cut back to Sydney as she turns to go, trying to reign in her emotions, refusing to cry in front of him. Cut back to Vaughn as she leaves. An empty sadness fills his eyes as he looks down, as if remembering, brow furrowed, his lips a thin line.)
You hear that bitch?...she would've waited for you!!!...she wouldn't have given up on you!!!...and it would have been a waste of time!!!...how do you like them apples!!!
Ok...I'm getting a little riled up and emotional now. I need to take a few deep breaths and collect myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)